A year ago today I moved to Houston all by my lonesome (okay my mom came and helped me) to start a new life and enter grad school. This past year has been something else. Filled up highs and lows. I don't think I've cried this much in a year span since my aunt passed. A bitch has been EMOTIONAL (and depressed), to say the least. On the other hand, I have also created such a beautiful life for myself out here. So much so that when I spent three weeks in NY I couldn't wait to come back to my home here.
I started this new transition feeling extremely sad and lonely. Also questioning on a daily basis if I made the right move by coming here. I mean I did pick the hardest, farthest, and most isolating option for grad school. I would be a full-time student, work enough to pay rent and survive plus have to make time for practicum. I still don't know how I did it but I did. Not to mention, I went from seeing my friends, co-workers, and family with ease to weekly or monthly FaceTime calls and working from home. I underestimated how much that change would affect me. I have met some amazing people in school which I am forever thankful but I do miss my NY people so much.
One of the hardest things for me was feeling immense grief. By the time I moved to Houston, it had been 8 years since I lost my aunt who meant everything to me. Being here away from family, away from the home that was part hers, that was filled with so many memories of her and my grandpa felt like pieces of me were missing. I've recently printed a photo to hang and just hanging that has helped in ways I didn't know it would. They always say time heals all wounds and I thought it was bullshit. Especially about this. But I did think that I had a handle on my grief. Sadly it reared its ugly head and caused numerous breakdowns and questions of whether or not she is proud of me and happy that I made this choice. Knowing her she would have been bragging about me. Probably would have come to help me move in too. Knowing this brings me peace. Having bits of her in my space also makes me feel so much less alone.
I've been doing everything to put myself out there and form a community. I've joined two book clubs and a few other groups for Black women out here. I do what I can and make a conscious effort to check up on and speak to people I care about. I go out and explore even if I have to alone. This life I'm living here is honestly almost everything that I have envisioned and wanted for myself (still waiting for that ring on my finger lol). I have my own place and can go out and lounge by the pool, I'm getting my Master's degree (4.0 baby), in a place with no winter. I move my body daily and just get to be me authentically and without restriction. I have really had some great moments out here. I'll even be turning 30 here (I've been waiting for this).
Despite still feeling lonely at times and missing my family I really am so happy with my decision and the life I have out here. I love the little space that I have been able to make all mine. And I cannot wait to see what this next year brings me. Maybe I'll finally get my license lol :)
Here's to taking risks and getting out of your comfort zone 🍾🥂
Love Always,
VanessaClair
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