For the first time in my life, I have a whole care team, which I am actually really proud of. I have a therapist who is doing EMDR with me, a psychiatrist that explains everything to me, and an amazing PCP & GYN who listens to me and my concerns and helps me. Hopefully, soon I will have a Pelvic Floor Therapist as well. I have dealt with anxiety and depression for years now and although I am much better than I was before (at least in terms of my depression) I am actively working on my trauma. I always knew there would come a time when I needed to deal with it head-on instead of pushing it to the side and working on other aspects of life.
Moving was the best thing for me because it pushed me so much out of my comfort zone that I had no choice but to deal with the things I do not talk about. So much of my anxiety and depression is because of the traumatic events that have happened in my life that I do not share with anyone. I try so hard to mask what I am feeling and being a survivor I don't deal with anything. It wasn't until this year in therapy that I really came to terms with the first trauma I experiences and acknowledged all the other traumatic events that I framed as "not that serious".
I tried so long to be strong and being here made me realize I wasn't a survivor yet. I hadn't survived anything because I was still in the midst of it. I was still suffering and letting everything affect every single aspect of my life without even knowing it. I was constantly just trying to trick my brain into believing I was happy instead of actually doing the things that I need to in order to heal and be actually happy. Sometimes our behaviors get in the way of things we want and the happiness we deserve in life. And by not acknowledging and really dealing with my trauma I was in an endless cycle of self-destructive ways. I'm proud because now I can realize, name, and process all the things that have happened to me in a healthy way. I am able to do the actual work to move forward and past those events. I know that with my care team behind me and the tools they have given me, I can become a survivor and really heal from my trauma.
Here's to facing our fears and trauma head-on but with an amazing support system of professionals. I hope we all can heal from the trauma that we don't speak about. And that we all can find professionals to help us do so.
Love Always,
VanessaClair
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